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2 years ago
As I make my way to my part time occupation, I can smell the air. It is fresh, cool, crisp, and I don’t want to leave it. The long trek gives me time to think, consider where my life is headed, and at the moment, it leads me on a monotonous path, much like a track, only I am not running. In fact, if I were running, it would be the other way, only to find that it leads to the same place. I am trapped in this town for the moment with no direction.
My claustrophobia is becoming more real to me than I could imagine, as crowded places and many people make me nervous. Anxiety is becoming more constant now, and I avoid glances, so I don’t have to wonder what they think about me. My claustrophobia was pretend for awhile. I only imagined it in my head when I considered the future. The future was the only thing that made me nervous, but as my future is getting closer, and I come across people with seemingly more interesting lives than I have, the fear overcomes me, and I feel like I am drowning. What will I do in three months when I have to start making decisions? What will I do when my life becomes real, and this campus will no longer provide me shelter? Will I be able to run away like I dreamed, or will this town consume me? Will I continue to be the hamster running on the wheel or can I transform into a bird and fly far, accomplishing the dreams that others in my family were never able to.
These are the thoughts that make me anxious. These thoughts plague my mind, disrupt my sleep, and contribute to the fear. I never thought I would make it this far. I never imagined that I would have options because I had never had options before. I am not a planner, and I secretly think the fear exhilirates me. The anxiety is my adrenaline. Once I have it figured out, I will have pleasure in knowing that once again, I accomplished the unthinkable without a plan.
Notes
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